Wednesday, September 02, 2009


immediately after work yesterday i left for clever mill. it is about thirty miles from my work. we buy our specially mixed feed from there since they specialize in small batches five hundred pounds at a time. most other mills have a minimum of two thousand pounds. we do this since this quality of feed is not available in prepackaged pelleted products, the only other option.

i took my usual back road shortcut. immediately after i started on the dirt road i came to a sharp curve. i wasn't even going twenty miles per hour yet. ahead of me i saw a red toyota truck coming around the corner in the center of the road. i notice he wasn't looking at the road. in fact he was turned around reaching for something. i slammed on my breaks got even further to the edge of the road and laid on my horn.

eventually, it seemed like hours, his head popped up and he slammed on his breaks. all the while still headed directly toward me. slam, by this time he was only going fifteen or twenty miles per hour.

as you might know we only have one vehicle right now. we were planning remedying that as soon as possible. but times are tough, you know.. today i am stranded at home. our five hundred pounds of chicken feed and five hundred pounds of pig feed are still sitting there at the mill, we called and informed them.

i am waiting to hear from his insurance company. i am not hopeful since the little nissan has almost no perceived value. it was valuable to me. it started every time. it got great gas mileage. it could carry it's weight in feed, wood or whatever. the entire family could legally* fit into it in a pinch.

imagine on our tight budget the worst possible time for this to occur. we just entered a payment schedule for the pricey home school supplies. we just racked up our credit card to go to toly's hospital visit in st. louis. our water heater just went on the blink. the list goes on...

i need a truck, we heat our home with wood. getting wood to and around the farm requires a truck. i travel over an hour from home to get feed for the animals. i use my truck to work from, transporting my tools and supplies. i can easily stop and get building materials that might be set in the cull pile at the lumber yard. which is the kind of thing you'll miss if you don't get it at the time. having a pick-up has become critical to us saving money at every turn.

finally and most poignantly we need a vehicle to get to and from the hospital for toly. that vehicle isn't a truck. even a newer king cab won't legally" do the job. crap, i realize that things could be worse. i could have gotten hurt. or, worse yet, one of the kids could have been with me and gotten hurt. i feel very lucky in that respect. but, being lucky because it could have been worse doesn't salve the soul.

we have plenty of food to eat. i just don't know what to do. i guess i am still too stressed to see my way through this yet.

*abscure missouri law allows the exact criteria of the nissan to legally transport our family of six. this is due to it's age and type of seating.
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